The One With 100 Things 'Friends' Taught Me

Tuesday, 14 February 2017


As some of you know I am a massive 'Friends' fan and have been pretty much all my life from when it all started back in 1994. Now, I can pretty much quote every single episode and am often caught giggling at situations that remind me of a sketch, but here are 100 things Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Monica have taught me or not taught me in some cases.

1. Your Friends really will be there for you.

2. Getting the same seat in your favourite coffee shop never happens.

3. Planes don't have phalanges.

4. A chick and a duck are not acceptable house pets.

5. If I ever need a monologue 'Love You Forever' should be ready to go.

6. Be on time to your friends birthday dinner.

7. Never say 'we were on a break' as an excuse.

8. Promotional work in Las Vegas is acceptable as an actor.

9. Never work with Robots.

10. Don't use Silly Putty if you are circumcised, it won't end well.

11. It's pronounced 'Petty' not 'Pretty'.

12. Run like you're five again.

13. 'Transponster' is not a word.

14. To cry, cut a hole in your trousers, grab tweezers and start tugging.

15. Look down, look down, look down, to get the perfect headshot.

16. It's acceptable to eat a sandwich and a pickle in the shower.

17. Condoms can't be used to repopulate the world.

18. Beginners luck is very important in Cups.

19. Never call a child 'chicken boy'.

20. I want to quit the bank.

21. I'm fine.

22. You can't make a pair of paste pants out of powder and lotion.

23. Give Brad Pitt his yams.

24. Turkey fat is not a great lubricant (but tastes great).

25. Frankie says relax.

26. If you forget a line just 'smell the fart'.

27. Broken recliner chairs can heal themselves.

28. A pashmina is a type of rug.

29. Thursday is the third day of the week.

30. The recipe for a trifle does not actually include a layer of beef.

31. Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt.

32. How to spell Phoebe phonetically.

33. Never use a broom to knock the upstairs flat, you may die. R.I.P. Mr Heckles.

34. Close Call Day comes around once a year.

35. I now know were Yemen is.

36. Do not touch a sandwich with a moist maker that isn't yours.

37. Grandma didn't move to Peru, she died and someday we will too.

38. The code to great sex is a little 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 3, 5, 4, 3, 2, 2, 2, 4, 6, 2, 4, 6, 4, 2, 2, 4, 7, 5, 7, 6, 7, 7.

39. In 'gun fire' protect your sandwich.

40. Rubbing your head will not turn back time.

41. It's not actually possible to put a turkey on your head.

42. To stop a fire alarm beeping press the reset button.

43. The Netherlands is where Peter Pan lives.

44. Jack Cousteau is dead.

45. I'm going to have a wedding when I can go to the bathroom anytime I want too.

46. Comedy with plates is not well received.

47. Answer machine V/O work is a cool job, please pass the pie.

48. Friends are more important than money.

49. Bag Pipes don't sound good even if it is a bit of a wee celebration.

50. I want a Ms. Pac Man Machine.

51. Bombay is very very nice this time of year.

52. I love the film 'My Giant' too.

53. Pottery Barn sell things from Yore and Yesteryear.

54. I'll have some alcohol and I will also have some beers.

55. Find your lobster.

56. A Vicar is not a Goalie.

57. Don't leave moisturiser in your suitcase.

58. If you watch Die Hard twice it becomes Die Hard 2, DIE HARD.

59. Never actually use the line 'I was backpacking around Western Europe'.

60. To get a sofa upstairs, PIVOT.

61. Not everyone called Amanda are transgender.

62. Don't talk to someone who breaks your fridge.

63. Ray Bans were not the official sponsors of WW1.

64. If you want to know what a Scrud is look in the mirror.

65. A nubbin is a third nipple.

66. Ichiban lipstick for men is not cool.

67. Always actually make sure who has 'got the keys' before leaving.

68. You should actually learn some of those special skills on your CV.

69. I want to party with Gandalf on a boat.

70. Never fall asleep during a friends play.

71. L is for LOVE and what is life without love.

72. O is for 'Oh Wow'.

73. V is for this very surprising turn of events. Which I am still fine with by the way.

74. EEE is for how extremely normal I find that you two are together.

75. Only a very lucky man finds their hand twin.

76. Never be the Grumpuss

77. The cold weather also hurts my hip.

78. Mmmm Noodle soup?

79. The rules to Bamboozle are not fair, but don't stop hopping.

80. My plane seat number is 1A.

81. I also don't share food.

82. You can't have S.E.X in front of the B.A.B.Y.

83. Life really is kick you in the crutch, spit on your neck fantastic.

84. Meat sweats are a real thing.

85. Your hot room mate won't be on board with Naked Thursdays.

86. To convey evil it's 'I've got a fish hook in my eyebrow and I like it'.

87. Don't name your main character Joey...or Joseph.

88. If you don't want to catch me on my mobile, then don't call me on my mobile.

89. 'Abysmal' is not a good first review.

90. You must spit to pronunciate.

91. The guy with the boat 'Coast Guard' is not a jackass.

92. Never hit a woman, never hit a woman.

93. Code 10:100 is a pee pee.

94. I also can't speak French. Ne poo poo.

95. Toilet seat covers are the best present to give.

96. Maternity pants are really great for shoplifting melons.

97. Sex or food is a very hard conundrum. I also want 'girls on bread'.

98. Bad things do happen to good people.

99. I also want to be appreciated in my own time.

100. They add that smell to gas.

And I literally could of continued this forever.

If anyone wants to come round for a Friends marathon I am all game. Catch Friends daily on Comedy Central because why wouldn't you between jobs?

Joseph

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